David Burgess is a trained divorce mediator and a member of the Massachusetts Council on Family Mediation.

He believes mediation, although hard work, is an ideal approach for many couples seeking to obtain a divorce. With his help, couples take a more constructive approach to their divorce negotiation, and they end up not only with an agreement that is good enough to meet their and their families' needs, but with their relationship with each other still reasonably intact, so that they can work together to address other issues that arise in the future. This is especially important for couples with children.

Divorce mediation involves a series of meetings, typically of about two hours in duration, over a period of weeks or months. The meetings take place either at David's Concord office or at a conference room he uses in Downtown Boston.

The divorcing couple retains David to facilitate their discussion and, if agreement is reached, to draw up a separation agreement to be presented for approval to a probate court judge. They are encouraged to hire their own lawyers to review and advise them on their agreement before finalizing it, but they come to the mediation sessions on their own.

Divorced people often tell their friends and acquaintances about how unfair the terms of their divorce were. They make generalizations about how this is the wrong state to live in for parents of their gender. They criticize their attorneys for not having been sufficiently aggressive toward their former spouse, or for failing to understand their particular circumstances as well as they should have.

The overwhelming majority of people expressing such disappointment signed their own divorce agreements; they were not forced to do so. This usually happens after many months of being in litigation, and it often happens literally on the courthouse steps. But almost all divorces are concluded with a negotiated agreement, signed by both parties. So why do they feel so dissatisfied? Why do they think they got a bad deal? Why do they complain that the outcome would have been fairer if their attorney had better understood their circumstances, or been more aggressive?

In most such cases, the attorneys did the negotiating while the clients stood by. Increasingly, divorcing couples are coming to realize that when they are in control of the discussion, they end up with a more satisfactory outcome.

Not all legal disputes are suited for mediation, but many divorces are particularly well-suited. Our justice system often depends on lawyers for opposing parties each to advocate zealously for their clients' position, with the expectation that the truth will be the result. Divorce is different. In divorce cases, ardent advocacy in opposite directions is unlikely to achieve "truth." Instead, it often produces casualties and causes emotional harm and interminable conflict and stress. It also costs more money than most couples can afford.

Couples entering into a divorce often have the same general objectives: a fair share of the assets, a reasonable degree of financial security, and the ability to maintain a strong and healthy relationship with their children. Achieving those objectives for one party does not have to be at the expense of the other. If they each attempt to understand the interests and concerns of the other with the help of a facilitative mediator, they are both likely to end up with a resolution that does not leave them bitterly complaining to anyone who will listen that they "lost," or were misunderstood, taken advantage of, or poorly represented.

A mediation is successful if the parties have developed the ability to communicate with each other about the issues that brought them to mediation and to work collaboratively toward resolving those issues. A principal goal of the mediator is to facilitate such effective communication between the parties.

Such an improvement in communication will lead to the negotiation of divorce terms that are tailored to meet the interests of the divorcing couple and their children.

If the parties reach agreement on all parenting and financial issues, David prepares and instructs them on how to file a joint petition for divorce in the probate and family court. The court will schedule a hearing, at which the judge will determine whether the agreement is fair and reasonable. After so finding, the court will enter a judgment of divorce, incorporating the terms of the separation agreement.

David charges by the hour for mediation services. The parties pay as they go. He does not request a retainer, but does require payment before each meeting. That payment will be for the number of hours scheduled for the meeting and for the additional time he anticipates spending preparing documents before the next meeting. Unless the couple agrees otherwise, they are expected to share the cost equally.

How long are the meetings?
We usually set aside two hours for our meetings, although clients are welcome to request a longer or shorter meeting. Mediation requires active involvement of the parties in a difficult and sometimes contentious discussion. It is stressful. Some find that after a couple of hours of this, they become tired and have difficulty continuing to concentrate properly. It is important to avoid a situation in which one party "caves in" on an important point just because he/she is too tired to keep discussing it.

How long does it take to complete the process?
The number of meetings required to reach a separation agreement varies greatly. The parties have control of this process and proceed at their own pace.

My spouse and I can't talk to each other without getting angry. Does that mean we can't mediate?
No. Divorce is a difficult and emotional process. It is common for the discussion between divorcing spouses to be heated. While our meetings should not be treated as therapy sessions, it is often important for the parties to express their feelings, with as much emotion as necessary. As long as the parties are willing to continue, a mediation will not be terminated just because one person becomes angry or raises his or her voice.

Will the mediator meet with each of us privately?
Generally, the only time David will speak with one party alone is during the initial calls to discuss or schedule a mediation. That discussion will be limited to matters of process. Substantive issues will be discussed only when both parties are present

Do I need my own lawyer?
You will be strongly encouraged to consult with your own lawyer before finalizing and signing a separation agreement. The mediator's role does not include giving legal advice, except at the most general level, so it is important for the parties to seek answers to any questions they have about their rights or obligations from their own lawyer.